I’m a Christian Woman and I Do Not Want Kids
The day I turned twenty-nine I found myself in a state of deep dread. Helpless to the unceasing drumbeat of time, I could only watch in horror as my thirtieth birthday emerged from the darkness ever so slowly. Its maniacal grin glinted and twisted as the carousel of light and shadow turned from day to night then from nights it turned to months.
I was scared but not for stereotypical reasons like, I’m closer to wrinkles or I haven’t accomplished anything and am having an existential crisis. Instead, I was terrified because on that day my husband and I would “chat” about how many children I would bring into existence.
Did you catch that? Even though I was far from interested in giving birth, we would not be discussing “if” we had them but rather “how many.” For many women in the church, regardless of whether or not they feel called to welcome a child into this world, the presumptuous — and at times damaging — narrative checks out.
Despite the conservative-leaning pressure to “do what was biblical”, my conviction to be child-free held with unshakable firmness. In my mid-twenties I remember being deeply bothered by my lack of desire. In this troubled state, and after being prodded to reveal the reason for my oddly reserved behaviour, I told a church-going family friend that I was not interested in having kids. His face fell as he gave his hushed response, “there must be something wrong with you.”
This man meant no harm but his words felt like a blow. It was a heavy statement that dislodged an avalanche of preexisting questions, “am I defective?”
The burden was great but when I sought advice, I received further equally unhelpful questions like, “How does your husband feel about that?” “Who is going to take care of you when you get older?”
Despite the unanimously child-positive vote gifted to me by my confidants, I was far from satisfied. Years would come before I would face my fears and do the hard work.
A couple of days after my twenty-ninth birthday, I started asking questions in search of answers that were not steeped in homogeny. I read books and articles on bodily changes post pregnancy, hormone imbalance, scoliosis worsening during pregnancy, and God’s plan for children. Then it happened. The dreaded three zero arrived. A year had rolled around and my desire to have children had not grown in the slightest. If anything, I found myself even more rooted in my child-free stance. Alex and I had a conversation but it was not the one either of us was expecting.
I will share some of my insights from that conversation with you.
The author of Genesis 1:27–28 introduces us to a narrative of the creation of humanity, “So God created humans in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth…” A little later, the same instructions are given to Noah and his family in Genesis 9:1 “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth.”
Like any ancient text, there are a variety of interpretations surrounding the original author’s message and its implications for modernity. In his Commentary on the Torah, Richard Friedman claims that the mandate “be fruitful and multiply and fill the Earth” has “been fulfilled” and does not require laser-focused observance in modernity. Whereas, Conservative Judaism believes God’s instruction to “fill the earth” applies to all fertile couples regardless of their financial, mental, or emotional situation. As a result of shifts in medieval culture and the adoption of female domesticity in Protestantism, the latter is prevalent in modern evangelical churches; unfortunately, its glaring presence lends to an assumption of “incompleteness” and “ungodliness” among many child-free congregants.
Christians must recognize that the prevalence of an idea is not indicative of its helpfulness or correctness in current, or past, contexts. Just as the nuanced nature of ancient texts requires interpretation and study, so does the Christian path if it is to be worth following.
As we determine the wisdom underlying all Scripture, we must be okay with questioning our presuppositions and perhaps feeling a little uncomfortable as we do so. Although it may feel daunting at first, in order to grow into a fuller knowledge of God’s multifaceted approaches to self-revelation and our subsequent mission in this world, it is necessary.
That said, if the Church continues to cling to the idea that all its couples must have children we enable our cultural obsessions and bypass the wisdom framing the mandates in Genesis. As is the case with each of God’s instructions, these were given in order that the hearers would be blessings to the world around them and be blessed in their endeavours. While Genesis 1:27 and 9:1 unarguably communicate the fact that children are indeed a blessing, a wise reading of Scripture does not imply that everyone must give birth to and raise children in order to receive blessings and to be beneficial to the lives of others. In short, having children is one way God’s people can experience the richness of life and share that beauty with fellow humans, but it is only one way.
For further proof of this, we can observe the Apostle Paul’s words.
In Galatians 5:22–23, Paul reminds us that God’s will is for our lives to bear good fruit in all areas but his emphasis is not on child-bearing. On the contrary, Paul praises his state of singleness as the most effective modus operandi for a Christ-centered mission, “I wish that all were as I myself am [single]. But each has a particular gift from God, one having one kind and another a different kind” (1 Corinthians 7:7).
Far from dissuading anyone from marriage who is called to it, Paul’s words serve as an excellent reminder for us to grow our individual giftings as he did. Paul was given a unique path and accepted it, thus benefiting generations. We are to follow his example but not in the way some might expect. Instead of replicating his actions footstep by footstep, we must practice, once again, our ability to find the wisdom behind the message. In other words, we must submit our lives to Jesus and become, in that context and calling, a blessing to others.
Living our lives the way God has created us to will be what benefits the world, not homogeny. Alongside the mission of Paul, this idea is emphasized by the lives of venerated women who are mentioned in Scripture. Deborah, the fourth Judge of Israel, did not have children and many scholars question whether or not she had a husband. Her life was not the same as many women of her time but her leadership skills made a large impact on Israel. Huldah, a prophetess who did not hesitate to tell King Josiah bad news and instruct him in the ways of the Torah, is not known for her domestic skills. Ruth’s legacy is not highlighted by her duty as a wife or her ability to bear children but is set aflame by her faithfulness to support another woman. And Mary, the woman who through unnatural means gave birth to God-become-man, watched her son champion women in a society where doing so was far from conventional and societally acceptable.
We see the Spirit of God working through each of these stories to showcase facets of God’s powerful, nurturing, intelligent, faithful character to humanity. Ultimately, it was because of the willingness of these women and the Spirit’s working through them, not their ability to follow cultural expectations, that they made powerful impacts on their communities and subsequent Christian understanding.
As faithful followers of Christ, we can know our direction is sure when we observe God’s ultimate mandate, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you…”
Despite the expectations of others, we can be assured that the process of making disciples does not have to originate from our seed. Instead, this call can be accomplished via a variety of mediums that are the best fit for the situation.
Holding our newborn may never be a dream come true but wiping away the tears of a rejected child might be. Instead of starting a biological family of our own, we may nurture the hearts of the broken and those without caregivers, love the “unloveable” of the world, lead the disenfranchised to Christ’s mercy, or offer Christ’s compassion in the context of our imperfect communities. No matter what way we bless others, we can do so knowing that the creative mission of God to humanity has no bounds and no limitations.
